An interview with Santa Claus.

We sat down with the big old jolly fellow just the other day to talk to him about his feelings on the holiday season. He was very... Truthful.

Question: Hello Santa, or can we call you Nick?

Answer: No. I prefer the big mondo macho man in red.

Question: Okay... so how do your elves make so many toys?

Answer: I would rather not reveal that information to complete strangers.

Question: Quite understandable Nick—I mean the big mondo macho man in red. So, each year you eat millions and billions of cookies.

Answer: Yes. Yes I do.

Question: So how is it that each year you fit down the chimney?

Answer: I really shouldn't reveal that information either, but............I'll tell you. (As the big mondo macho man in red took deep breath, he revealed a deep secret) I stuff Rudolph down the chimney.

Question: You stuff.......your reindeer, down the chimney?

Answer: Yes. Yes I do.

Question: So Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, is really the hero who brings billions of kids their toys, not you?

Answer: NO! I still bring them! Rudolph just puts them there!

Question: I see. And how do you get Rudolph back out of the chimney?

Answer: I use.......I use a Toilet Plunger, okay! Actually its more of a reindeer plunger ( Santa's big bowl full of jelly shook ominously as he laughed)

Question: Okay, moving on. What is the most popuar gift you put under the tree during Christmas?

Answer: Tofu turkey

Question: Tofu Turkey?

Answer: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Question: Santa are you ok?

Answer: Shhhh!! I'm calling the birds Zzzzzzzz....

Question. Okay.....uh...moving down the list.........What is your favorite color?

Answer: What do you think it is, silly reporter?!?

Question: Red?........um....Green?

Answer: It's PINK! Pink! Pink!

Question: What do you do in your spare time when your not making toys?

Answer: I don't make the toys!!! Psht.....thats what the elves are for! Heck, I just send the elves over to Wal-Mart most of the time.

Question: Ah, I see. And what do you do in your spare time?

Answer: Lately I've been enjoying going through Mrs.Claus's drawer and trying her underclothes on my head. If I find something frilly, then I run through the factory!

Question: And would you call this a hobby of yours?

Answer: Oh the biggest! You should try sometime. It releives stress.

Question: Ok Santa. So to wrap up this holiday treat you've gave us, we want to ask you. What are you going to do when you retire?

Answer: I've been thinking about that a lot lately. And I've decided that me and the Mrs are going to live on a far off island among the pygmy's of Africa. What do you think?

Question: I am not at liberty to say what I think.

At this point, the door opened and Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer appeared in the doorway.
“Santa. It is time” Rudolph said wisely
“I'm not ready to go Rudolph!!! Stop bugging me!!!” At this point, Santa grabbed Rudolph and threw him out the window in an angry range.

-Back to interview.

Question: Santa? Are you ok?

Answer: Do I look ok to you?? DO I LOOK OK TO YOU!?!
Because of technical difficulties, this interview had to be cut short. Santa is now available at this address:

Rudolph's Psychiatric Center for the Strange and Deranged
41 so. Randolph Ave, Poughkeepsie NY. 12601